Protozoan Fitness Mantra : How to Outrun Your Phone and Outsmart Your Excuses

Some people treat their bodies like Ferraris. Others, like a government bus. For most of us, it’s somewhere between a dependable Maruti and that scooter which uncle left since 1979. But here’s the big secret: whatever your model, your body ALSO comes with a maintenance schedule and a shelf life. Ignore it, and you’ll soon be running on black fumes or worse - on the back of a recovery truck, being towed by Dr. WhatsHisName to the hospital!

The Great Algorithm (or, Why You’re Smarter Than a Protozoa)

Now, listen - this isn’t a science class, nor am I a fitness coach, but just think about it. The humble protozoa has been around for millions of years. No brain, no fancy smartwatch, no Insta feed - just a set of instructions baked right into its squishy form. If a protozoa can make it that far, surely a fully - loaded Homo sapiens (with airbags, power steering, ADAS and the occasional mood swing) can master a daily fitness routine, right?

The trick isn’t to “conquer” your body but to actually listen to it - something most of us only do when it yells, “EMERGENCY!” If you’re running like your life depends on setting a new WhatsApp Ironman Challenge benchmark, you’re doing it wrong. You’re better off checking in regularly, before your body books you a surprise consult with the neighbourhood orthopedist.

Beating the Alarm Clock, Not the Competition

Pro tip? Mornings are magic. While everyone else is scrolling through Fifty Pushup Reels and “Before & After” tales (spoiler alert: both pics have the same belly hang, still), you could be drawing in fresh air, catching the sunrise and actually feeling the transfer of energy between body, mind and nature. No filter app needed for this kind of glow!

Here’s how it works: Wake up. Check the weather - not just with your phone, but with your form, your spirits and that quiet nudge from your own inner “Boss.” You might end up walking, cycling, running, or simply sitting in lotus pose, channeling your inner tortoise with some very slow breathing. I get to know what’s on the menu by listening to the form and listening to the weather. 

Fitness Is Not a Call to Arms (or Legs… or Heart Rate Monitors)

This isn’t a password - protected, ios or android driven app. Forget the Kcal math and the zone 2 or vo2max calculations. Just move. Most mornings, the only real contest in my mind is between listening to the Bhagavad Gita, Shivoham, Rupert Spira podcast or the mantra OM -  wisdom wafting through my Bose Quiet Comfort and my Apple Watch. Mostly, Rupert Spira drops in for a chat about awareness - though he never asks about my lap times - or, Krishna calls over and lectures me for the one lakhth time as my Toad Mind just can’t fully understand the import of the 700 verses from Gita in a few sittings. 

Carry a bottle - sip water, don’t gulp like you just finished a marathon in the Sahara. Remember, everyone’s fitness “algorithm” is different. Some run for medals, others for sanity. It’s all valid (unless you count playing Candy Crush as cardio - nice try, though).

The Biggest Win: Still Moving at Sixty (and Counting)

As a kid, I was no athlete. More a  “gully marathon runner” than a marathon runner. (Ask anyone who’s known me - you’ll spot them by the giddy disbelief on their faces at my morning antics at this age.) Today, bumps and bruises pop up like bonus coupons on a Zomato purchase - but I’m still here, dodging injuries and defying gravity, one slow - breathing, water - sipping, dawn - embracing cycling or running session at a time.

Want a miracle formula? It’s nature, slow breaths and a bit of meditation. 

I try to synchronise the mind thoughtrons and the heartbeat by regulating the breath. That’s the oil in the engine. The rest? Don’t overthink it - just get up, step out, and let your inner protozoa and tortoise guide you to world domination. Or, at least to the end of the block. Remember, the Protozoa is still around and the Tortoise still beats the hare (check it out on Instagram; it’s true!!!).

To wrap things up, think of this not just as a fitness routine, but as a daily dialogue with your most important companion - you. When you start tuning in to what your body really needs, you unlock a powerful secret: true fitness isn’t about exhaustion or punishment, but about harmony and respect for yourself. It’s the gentle but steady path to more energy, clearer mind and a life that feels fuller, freer and more vibrant. So next time the alarm rings, don’t just hit snooze - ask yourself, “What does my amazing, complex vehicle want today?” Because investing in your body is the most rewarding journey you’ll ever take and it’s waiting for you to start. After all, how long will you keep running on an empty tank - before you choose to fill it up with care, attention and joy? Or, with burgers, beer and Chole Bhature? To enjoy the second set of fuels first use the first set of fuels. Trust me it works. 

Go on - give it a spin. Your car’s already parked. Why not take your “self” for a drive?

- Ashutosh Tewari